Stupid Console Games You Should Play – 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand

By Brian Acebedo – Brianace

As we look forward to some amazing experiences on the Playstation 4 and Xbox One, I thought it would be interesting to take a look back at some games that I have enjoyed this gen that maybe you never got a chance to play.  It seems like the real gems of each console generation come in its twilight, and we’ve seen some amazing releases in 2013 so far: Tomb Raider, Bioshock Infinite, and The Last of Us have been released to near-unanimous acclaim, and GTA 5 will be dropping in a couple short months.  These are not those games.  Some people prefer RC Cola to Coke.  There are those who prefer the works of Sid and Marty Krofft to the Muppets.  We call these interesting folks “crazy insane people” and for these malcontents, I provide you with these under-appreciated, seldom played treasures as alternatives to mainstream, A-List fare.  These games are truly next-level bonkers.

50 Cent: Blood on the Sand (PS3/X360, Swordfish Studios/THQ, 2009)

How much do I love 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand? At any given moment, I am only a few seconds away from starting a diatribe about 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand, which should tell you how much fun I am at social gatherings, and why I have difficulty holding on to a job.  This meat-headed, 3rd person cover-based shooter bears a striking resemblance to Gears of War or any of your other run-of-the-mill bro-tastic shooters, with the main exception being that it stars and was produced by 50 Cent.  When you think of someone whose name is synonymous with gaming, who crosses your mind? Shigeru Miyamoto or Sid Meier, perhaps?  WRONG!  50 Cent knows what makes a good game, because he has played so many of them while in his state of the art tour bus, surrounded by drugs, easy women, and stacks of hundred dollar bills.  The story – if it matters (it doesn’t!) – is that 50, after not being paid for performing a rap concert in the Middle East (a region that loves its live American rap shows), is given a diamond-encrusted human skull as payment, you know, something modest that 50 can decorate his living room with when he’s entertaining.

50 Cent Skull Payment | Str N Gaming

I saw this in the Pottery Barn Kids catalog.

The jewel-studded skull is stolen, after which 50 and his co-op partner (Lloyd Banks, Tony Yayo, or DJ Whoo Kid) embark on a tour of the region, diplomatically addressing unrest and once and for all brokering a peace accord between Israel and the Palestinians, j/k, they run around killing literally, thousands of people.

50 Cent and Sidekick | Str N Gaming

“Yo 50! Have you considered making a tax-deferred investment into a high-yield IRA, 50?!?”

No joke, this game makes Army of Two look like Shakespeare in the park.  The shooting parts are competent, and that’s like 98% of the game, so mission accomplished?  But the game’s true strength lies in the absurdity of its premise, and the ridiculousness of its dialogue.  And speaking of dialogue, clicking on the left stick causes 50 or his entourage to spout profanity-laden insults, such as “Want a shot at the title, bitch!?” and “Imma kill your whole fuckin’ generation!!”  What title?  What is he talking about?  Who cares!?  The point is, you get a combo bonus if you cuss at your enemies before or right after you shoot them, so you find yourself clicking that stick while you’re aiming, right after firing, and pretty much just whenever.

50 Cent Cursing | Str N Gaming

50 Cent “increasing the peace”.

I just want to mention that this is 50 Cent’s second video game, as it is a sequel to 50 Cent: Bulletproof.  So 50 has had two video games green-lit, but they can’t get a proper sequel to Road Rash off the ground.  There is no god…

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